Goodbye, Sasquatch, Yetti, Bigfoot... friend

While there have always been several Sasquatch sightings in the past, I first encountered Bigfoot while on special assignment with the OSI in the fall of  1976.  It was a tumultuous time for all of us with the aliens, experimentation in cyborg technology and the cold war.   I’ll be honest, it wasn’t easy breaking down the barriers that Sas built up around him, but it was worth it in the end.  When I found myself in a pinch, I knew I could count on him.

Sasquatch at Van Halen Concert in the '80s

In the 80’s, Sas showed a strong desire to blend in.  He would regularly shave his body and venture out.  He loved rock and would travel across country to catch some of his favorite bands.

Thanks for the rise of the X-Files in the 90’s, Sas had to go back underground.  Every freak with a video camera was out to ‘expose’ him.  We fell out of touch after that. I blame the rise of super smart snakes on this.  What most people don’t know is that sasquatch are the sworn enemy of snakes and spend much of their time hunting down and stopping reptillian world domination plans and hit squads.

I don’t know if what these guys found in Georgia is really Sas or not, but I want to believe not.  He recently sent me an IM talking about starting up a facebook account and getting excited about some new MMORPGs coming out.  All I know is that if anyone ever needed a boulder thrown across a valley, they could count on Sas.  It will be a sad, sad world if that was no longer true.

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I’ve never liked snakes… As a kid, I’d run to the couch at night and jump on it with my feet curled under me. Those bastards would sneak off the ships down at Lake Superior, slither the mile or so through the streets and backyards to our apartment on the second floor of the house in the West End of Duluth and lay in wait for me.  They hung out in packs of mixed breeds, knowing instinctively that they could use their diverse abilities to more quickly take me down and then spend hours… days torturing me, eating bits of me to sustain them until finally killing me and having their full meal.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how preposterous it all was.  Their plan was easily stopped by simply moving.  Snakes couldn’t read.  They’d never be able to track me.  As long as I stayed away from major ports, I’d be ok… and buy couches that were very close to the floor… and not leave my feet hanging over the side of the bed at night.

About 6 years ago, I was walking down the blacktop driveway that wound through the trees on the 4 acres we had.  Laying in the middle of the road was a 5ft long, huge, midnight black snake.  It just stared at me.  That’s when I knew I had grown complacent.  Several years and several states later, they found me.  Slowly, without taking my eyes off of this venomous beast, I picked up a handful of rocks from the side of the road.  It would be pointless in killing it.  They would know I was there and just send more.  My only hope was to get past it.  The first rock sailed over it’s body.  The second bounced wildly to the right.  The third thumped into it’s bulging middle.  The tip of the tail twitched and I let a quiet breath out.  The fourth repeated the thump and with an amused glance, it slide into the underbrush.  A quick sprint back to the house, check to make sure the kids and wife were locked inside safely, I jumped on the computer.  It was a black rat snake.  These bastards climb trees and drop on small animals in order to knock them unconscious and slowly ingest them.  We moved shortly after for completely unrelated reasons.

Now, this… WTF?!?

The Ajolote - one messed up snake

What kind of genetic experimentation have these snakes been up to?  I’ve greatly underestimated them.  They can have HANDS… That means locks won’t stop them… they can drive… hell, they can steal airplanes and pilot them.  I bet if a couple of these guys were in “Snakes on a Plane” it would have ended very differently.

And check this snake out… he’s not just sitting their like other snakes with that dumbass tongue darting out… he’s looking at you… he knows you are there… and he’s thinking… I’m going thru that camera and gonna crawl into your house and climb up onto your bed and just sit there resting my head on my hands staring at you when you sleep!

I’m WARNING YOU
they are evolving
they are smart
they are pissed off
they are coming for me and will be looking for you next…

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